Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Slaying The Giant

Life has been so fucking busy lately.  There is just no other way to say it, well I am sure there are a lot of other ways to say it.  Ways that aren't so crass, but they wouldn't do this kind of busy justice.  

There has been stressful and sad and worried busy. There has been baseball busy.  And end-of-the-school-year and birthday party busy.

But the busy that has been the most time consuming is my worried about anyone and everyone and ahhh the world is frightening and can't we all just stay inside busy. It's exhausting spending time thinking about worst case scenarios.  

I had a panic attack once when I was pregnant with Peyton.  I woke up in the middle of the night crying and scared.  Not just scared, terrified. I felt like I was dying. When I was a teenager I watched my mother have a severe panic attack.  She couldn't breathe and she looked terrified.  My brother and I thought she was having a heart attack.  We put her in the car and drove her to the urgent care.  She begged us through her tears not to take her to the emergency room because she didn't have insurance and would cost too much.  The urgent care doctors gave her a prescription for something and we drove her home.

Knowing that I have a genetic predisposition to anxiety ironically makes me worry a lot.  After watching Tim deal with so much loss and randomness and Peyton getting his concussion at school, I felt like the sleeping anxiety giant inside of me was awakened.  The sleeping giant woke up more powerful than ever.  I'm anxious about being anxious.  I'm anxious about the kids going outside. I'm anxious about the weather. I'm anxious about global warming. And ticks in the backyard.  

I know I can't go on this way. I refuse to end up addicted to prescription pain killers like my mother. Or being afraid to leave my house like it was rumored my grandmother did (oh yeah, this anxiety gene goes back for generations).  Nope. I will keep breathing and working through my shit. I will do what I need to do to find a balance in this wild world.  

Right now, routines help. So does simple things like mowing the yard and folding laundry. Dancing in my kitchen helps and going for runs.  Going to bed earlier helps. Fresh air always helps everything.

But mostly just keeping on keeping on helps.  Because life is busy right now. There is graduating fifth grade busy.  There is climbing the rock wall at the playground for the first time busy. 

There's the pool is open and in Michigan it's only nice for about eight weeks so you better go use it now busy. 
Wade was totally loving how empty the pool was yesterday because all the big kids don't get out of school until Friday.

There is being obsessed with the NBA Finals for the first time in over a decade busy.  

Because life IS very busy and full of so many good things and memories to make and love to give. I WILL slay that fucking anxiety giant and love the hell out of this busy life in this wild world.

A good friend sent this beautiful handwritten note in the mail at the perfect moment. Now I use it as a bookmark and a reminder that it will be okay and I have pretty great friends.

Speaking of it being a wild world, here's one of my favorite versions of the song..

(click here to listen/watch)

Oh and here's my ALL TIME FAVORITE "keeping on" song from Glady Knight and the Pips...IT'S THE BEST!!!!!!

(Click here to listen and dance!)


  1. I pray things are on the upswing for y'all. It feels like it. Wade had so much fun, I love the photo of him at the empty pool. Such joy!

  2. Thinking of you, friend. Keep on keeping on. Being a grownup is so stressful sometimes. I think we all have some family trait that we hope doesn't cripple us as adults, and that we don't pass on to our children. The important thing is that you recognize it and are determined to keep it at bay. xoxo

  3. Sending love and anti-anxiety vibes. (The ones I'm not using for myself, LOL.)